Can I Have Some Harsh Criticism for This One Here? I Would Like It Ripped Apart XD.?
Posted by silver_monster in Silver Eagle FAQ, tags: apart, criticism, harsh, here, like, ripped, some, this, wouldQuestion by luz del alma: Can I have some harsh criticism for this one here? I would like it ripped apart XD.?
I am a serious writer and want to improve my craft. I would like this really torn apart and scratched to bits. I won't take it personally, I could just really use some advice for this.
First, the bitterness.
“You’re fired.”
Then, the shock. The sorrow in the wind.
“Not good for the economy…” She had heard enough. A few minutes, a few seconds, of this had been all too much. The man with his trademark fishing hat rambled on, his thick belly bouncing as he spoke. He didn’t care for me, or others usually, but especially me. Had it out for me, seemed like. I didn’t doubt it for a moment.
That’s how I saw my Winter’s Eve. Not sought nor gained. Now, four hours later, it was nearing midnight. The wind froze in its tracks across my ruddy cheeks; my scarf clung to the nape of my neck. I carried with me a small package, for my daughter Anna at home. Times were tough. And the final paycheck I had received only hours before wasn’t going to go to waste. I settled on a beautiful glass sculpture of a phoenix. Clear, with tantalizing hints of scarlet and in its edges. Beautiful. Expensive.
It was going to be the last of Christmases. Stuck in a dead end job, now fired from a dead end job; there was no hope. It was misery business to return home with this heavy news of the crumbling financial situation. News for post Christmas, I decided. It was going to be our last supper, of sorts. Except in Christmas fashion.
A lot of fun, seemed like.
I walked across the crisp snow. The Church in the midst of the hazy fog accumulating stood aglow with its fiery verve. Dulled voices rang out in Christmas cheer, words I once found encouraging, now slighting. A bundled knot formed in my stomach. It rose up into the chest, and sat there, heavy like a weight. Dulled I reached up and my hand found warm tears chilling in the frigid breath of time.
A man’s cry rang out, an icy chill down my spine. I raced down into the curvature of the path, until reaching an isolated spot, where fishing gear sat nearby, abandoned.
Without thinking I jumped into the river, clothes, and all in tow.
It was only then I realized that the man, my boss, was trapped. As was I, along with him. We were carried down the river. The present bobbed up ahead, until resting atop an icy chunk several feet away.
The icy water carried us through, roughly. It was all we could do to hold on to each other. I was filled with deep regret at my actions. The last person I wanted to see, I tried to save. How bitterly ironic.
We neared the icy sheet. I caught on first and he clung to my shirt. I climbed up on top of the ice, shaking, and shivering.
The ice cracked. I stared in his eyes dead on.
He swallowed. “It’s not going to hold.”
I couldn’t find the words. I felt disappointed. Vengeful. Sad, even blessed. All of which poured through my glass.
I looked away.
“I’m going to let go.”
The ice cracked.
“No!” I exclaimed finally.
He took a deep breath. “I fired you for no mistake, Laura. I was jealous of you, jealous of everything you had. You had the creds, the experience, the drive, everything. But I was jealous. I wanted….” He looked once more into my transfixed green eyes.”But I only realize now I loved you, for everything you had, for everything you are despite what you were given. Merry Christmas Laura. Goodbye, Laura.”
He let go. The water took hold without a spare moment, spiraling the man as he braced himself, closing his eyes until at last his body was carried away, deep into the Christmas morning.
I went home, shaking and stunned. The man I hated, gone. Why did I feel so empty? Did I love the man? The monster?
I did. I truly did. I realized only then, everything, the comments, the work, everything was around me. Me. And he loved me. It took me a while to realize it…he loved me.
But like my dreams, like the man, like the gift; they were gone, drowned in bitter fate, and a few bundles of cash, of sparse Christmas delight.
@Hopeful
Well I am 15 years old if thats what you mean. I do appreciate your comments, though. Thank you fro taking the time, I do know I tned to get carried away when I'm writing like this.
THanks to everyone else, also!
I forgot to add...this was for a contest where we had a 700 word limit and this was 699 words. ;P Thanks guys, this is really helpful!
Best answer:
Answer by Hopefull
Lots of drama for no reason. When I read it I feel that I am in an elevator smashing from the basement to the penthouse at the speed of light. Relax and enjoy the story yourself. Stop trying to impress with your writing ability.
Unless of course you are trying to sound like a high school essay.
Give your answer to this question below!
[wprebay kw="empty+green+monster" num="15" ebcat="11116"]
[wprebay kw="empty+green+monster" num="16" ebcat="11116"]
[wprebay kw="empty+green+monster" num="17" ebcat="11116"]
Originally posted 2011-02-01 08:38:50. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
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